Uncertainty

Definition of Uncertainty -

1.	the state of being uncertain; doubt; hesitancy

2.	an instance of uncertainty, doubt, etc.

3.	unpredictability; indeterminacy; indefiniteness.

These are uncertain times. The economy is troubled, war is still going on, cost of living keeps going up, consumer activity is going down,credit is harder to get, the cost of gas (the hidden war) is still rising... I never thought I would fall prey to the times, or what happens to peoples lives, relationships, health, mental state, or stress levels during these times. I thought that by living bravely, working hard, and going right by people, everything would fall into place.

I'm writing this because after Ida's (Nor'easter) mess this week, "the straw broke the camels back". I lost my last piece of transportation to the flood waters here in Virginia. I heard from the insurance adjuster that told me that my awesome truck is totaled...

I find myself being defined by a 7th grade spelling word.

Have you ever felt that everything you do is tested and you wonder when that test will end?
Have you ever felt like you were losing everything around you?
Have you ever wondered where your next paycheck will come in?
Have you felt like you were sitting in the middle of a crowded amphitheater screaming at the top of your lungs and no one hears you?
Have you ever worked so hard for something for so long and be told that you are going to lose it in a short period of time (job, home, relationship, promotion, fill in the blank here.....)?

Yeah. It is troubling.

As strong as some people show themselves to be, they are just an undercooked boiled egg. Hard shell on the outside, a little softer one layer down, and when you get to the center, they are a steaming hot puddle of goo oozing all over the plate in an uncontrolled pattern...

I'm not going into any more personal details, but in a 1 year span, my life has changed completely, just like a lot of you out there. Money is tighter, friends are more scarce, time is more precious, people in general are more understanding of other peoples plights.

One piece of advice for all of you that may be going through something: God will not put you through anything that His grace cannot get you through. I remind myself every day that everything happens for a reason, and you always get what you NEED when you need it, not when you WANT it.

Patience is truly a rewarded virtue.

Guys and dolls, kiss your family, because in the end, they are all that matter.



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Now playing: Flying Lotus - Tea Leaf Dancers
via FoxyTunes

BIG Revelation

Today I had a revelation. I am a very large person in many ways. This blog is going to very long, but if you know me and love me, you need to read this and maybe understand me a little better.

Let me explain. Here are a few things I have noticed about myself that are larger that "normal":
- Body
-- Mind
--- Heart
--- Opinions

Some of these things are good and some are bad. Some of those have hurt me and some have hurt others.

Let me start off with the body. Ever since I was a little girl, I have been tall and overweight. To me I was normal for quiet some time. Children are mean however. I remember going shopping with my aunt at the Limited Too when I was younger. Honestly, I outgrew this store when I was very young, probably 10 years old. They specialize in "little kid" sizes and then move up to Adult sizes. I remember being upset that all of my friends shopped there and I was shopping at Kmart already for sizes that "flattered me". I never thought anything about being a "big girl" until it was pointed out over and over again. People just don't understand what a kid has to deal with growing up trying to be accepted by her peers. Here's another memory. When I was younger, I was riding my bike down my street (at this point I was in elementary school) and a freshman in high school (no names mentioned) ran up and pushed my off of my bike. "Whales don't ride bikes girl!!" -- I ran home crying. I left my bike there and poured my heart out to my mother, "Mommy, why is he so mean?" Well, that's when I got my first fat talk about how if people like me, they aren't meant to be my friends and how they are just jealous. Who the hell is jealous to be fat?!

Because of this and many other times in my life, up until halfway through high school of course, I have prided myself on trying to show people what is inside. using humor, whit, and knowledge as my weapons, I coped and now I am wondering how someone else had enough time on their hands to make my life hell and wondering what the hell they are doing with their lives now.

As a grown woman, I still struggle with my weight and wonder if I ever will be any smaller. to tell you the truth, I don't ever WANT to be skinny, I want to be a more toned woman maybe a size 14-18. Take a look at Liv Tyler Aerosmith's lead singer Steven Tyler's daughter, she is gorgeous . That's it. I love being a strong, independent woman now and I think without all of the tough love and hate I had as a youngster, I would not be who I am today.

Ok, on to my Mind. Sometimes I think so hard about things, they consume me. Literally, I can think myself into a tither and make myself nauseous and angry. I jump to conclusions, I get angry at things that aren't real and make judgments on my own thoughts rather than the truth. When I was in college, I assumed that because I was away, I could and should push everyone else away. And I did. Just because of my runaway mind. I wanted to grow my faith in The Lord and started reading the Bible more. I read Revelations and cried my eyes out because I thought about the state of the world and was afraid of death and how I would die. I could not grasp the concept that The End of Days is a wonderful time for all who are Saved. My goodness! It goes crazy sometimes. Recently I have tamed that with the help of my wonderful husband and family.

On to my heart. Where can I even begin? Over and over again in my life, I have given and given and given... That is the way I was raised. I live by the Golden Rule that you should treat others the way you wanted to be treated. I fully believe in this and wish others did too. Ever since I can remember, I have paid for others, provided for others, and made sure that all other people around me were taken care of and happy. Doing this hinders myself, my finances, and my sanity. I know no other way to live however. I love making people smile and teach them to love life the way I do. I don't personally see anything wrong with that. If the world today were to believe this, no matter what religion, I cannot even image where we would stand as humans.

My opinions. Wow. Growing up, my opinions were always loud, long, and often unwanted. Excuse me for having a loud, large mouth. I speak the unspoken, I tell the unwanted truth, and I will tell you exactly what I think about the people and things around me. the only exception is if it will intentionally hurt the person. At least then I try to pull the person aside and "share". In my career, it has turned me into a "know-it-all, better-than-thou, biotch". This is clearly not my intention, however when you try to help, it all comes out wrong. Again.

Anyways, there is a little bit of my insides. I thought about this today when I had my eyes open for me. There are a lot of things I am trying to change within myself as well as on the outside.

This blog will feature more revelations and progress for my changes; as well as other random thoughts, pics, feelings, and things.

Enjoy.